Bathing is a fine art that I perfected when I was very young.  My mother would bathe us girls together and being the oldest I was able to strong arm myself into the best spot.  The water was a little deeper by the spigot and when the hot water needed to refresh the tub I got the prize.  When it came time to take us out I was always last which gave me the time to pretend mermaid all alone for a few minutes.

When I was a teen I would walk home and sometimes it was very cold.  Yes, sunny San Diego can feel cold to a native!  I would rush in the door, toss my books on my desk and hurry to the bath.  A very hot bath to defrost.  Nobody else was home so I could relax for as long as I wanted.  I was in heaven.

After the birth of my seventh baby I had thyroid failure which resulted in a tremendous weight gain.  Bathing was a memory of the past.  Showers get a person clean but just don’t do the trick for relaxing and emptying the mind of the million tasks left to juggle.

Last summer we moved to a different home.  A home with a Jacuzzi tub in the master bath!  I looked skeptically, wondering if I would ever be able to use it.  When nobody was looking I stepped in and miracle of miracles!  I fit!  At that time I also started a new thyroid medicine and over the next six months lost 100 pounds.  Now I not only fit but I can swim in my tub!

So over the last while I have rediscovered the fine art of bathing.  Having eight children at home it is important that I set a good example.  It is vital that I not be a bum about my water escape.  So here are my suggestions for bathing and not bumming.  Even though the bathing bum is somewhat obvious to the casual observer.  (What is a casual observer doing there anyway?)

1.  Choose your time wisely.  Too late at night and you are a sponge hitting the bed.  Too early in the day and you’ll want to repeat the escape later, that is being an obvious bum.  My favorite time begins somewhere between 3 and 5 in the evening.  Notice that this is the most stressful time in the family.  It is after our home schooling has finished and before dinner.  In fact, it is right at dinner prep and afternoon chore time.  Do this every day so the pattern is established and those around you will not think you a bum.  Instead they will envy you.  They will think you wise.  They will want to join you!

2.  Have somebody older around to watch the young children.  Give instructions that may or may not be obeyed about such things as chores and dinner.  This is easy if you have let 12 years lapse since the birth of your oldest.  It is a little harder if you have to rely on a responsible companion.  But with a little organization the instructions can be followed and with a lot of tolerance about the 2/3 of instruction not followed you will be on your way.

3.  Enter the bedroom, close and lock the door.  Enter the bathroom, close and lock that door.  This gives you a buffer between peace and incessant children knocking for attention.  Why lock both doors?  Because invariably one of the resourceful older people will find a way to unlock the outer door but know they will die quickly if they unlock the inner one!

4.  Plug the tub and run only hot water.  Run the water until the hot water is just thinking about being cold.  Then shut it off and run the cold.  This way the water in the heater will heat faster.  Really!  It is true!  It heats faster if the fire doesn’t have to compete with water fresh from the snowy landscape.

5.  Gather supplies: music, books, pens, notepad, shampoo, lightweight dumb bells, washcloth and lots of towels.  Make a place for them within arm's reach but out of the drip line.  Then carefully enter the bath, sink down and turn on those jets.  Ahhhhh....heaven!

6.  The next is very important in order to rationalize your endeavor.  Empty your mind of everything.  Once you have done that a new rush of ideas will flood your thoughts.  Write down titles for articles.  Write down dinner menus.  Write a shopping list.  Grab the notebook before it completely submerses.  There.  You are not a bum.  You are working and creating.  Can’t empty your mind?  Take your novel and begin to read.  Read a classic.  Read a catalog.  Read anything!  There.  You are not a bum.  You are developing your mental capacity and universal knowledge.  Oops...dropped the book too?  Then relax deeper and think about anything.  Thinking is hard in the real world.  Everywhere you turn there are children demanding a thoughtless response.  Insisting on a yes before you have time to remember why it should be a no.  Think about your past responses and plan your future ones.  Think and discover solutions to whatever problem comes to mind.  There.  Once again you are not a bum.  You are preparing a strategy for family management.  Finally, turn off the jets.  Ahh!  The comparative silence is deafening.  Let yourself slip into a near sleep state.  Just this side of consciousness.  Sleep is a precious gift for a mother and nothing helps an afternoon nap like that buffer zone created by two locked doors and one tub of water.  There.  You are not a bum.  You are giving yourself the edge to be a smiling mother.  Besides, there is nothing like a warm nap to keep you awake a little longer in the evening thus appeasing that sweetheart who withstood the forces of chaos so you could bathe.

7.  About now the water will be getting colder.  It is time to refresh the water creating another hot heaven.  And your signal that your remaining escape time is limited.  This second flush of warmth begins with a return to reality.  Somehow you begin to hear the arguing outside of your vision.  The phone will ring and you know the older ones have found a good excuse to break past the first barrier.  Once the bedroom has been invaded there is no holding back the army of tiny tattlers, fuzzy-brained teens who can’t remember how to turn on the stove and frustrated husbands wondering why it is so hard to accomplish anything while mom is not being a bum.  So, warm up in the hot water and fortify yourself for a different type of hot water once you exit heaven.  Grab the dumbbells and get creative.  Hold one with your feet and then lift and hold it out of the water.  Push those legs hard against the unresisting sides of the tub.  Get into that body toning.  But don’t splash!  Nobody ever told you that exercise could be so rewarding.  Following your barely-not-a-bum workout take the shampoo and dab a bit on the washcloth.  Sit up, thus lowering the water table and run the cloth around the tub.  If the shampoo can take grease out of hair imagine what wonders it will do for a water ring!  Call out, “I’ll be out in a minute, I just have to wash my hair.  Be sure your jobs are done!”  Reminding the children about the obvious is gentle mothering.  A lot gentler than discovering how the children chose to relax while you were diligently not bumming.

8.  Now for the race.  The final stretch. The super challenge.  Unplug the tub and if you are extremely blessed you have a separate shower.  Step out and turn on the shower.  Get in and wash your hair while trying to beat the water rushing out of the tub.  Dry and exit the sanctuary...dress first!  Smile at your loved ones and ask if dinner is ready.  Thank everybody for letting you get your work done: study, creating, exercising and cleaning.  Give a slow wink to your sweetheart and gently whisper, "Next time it is your turn."  The prospect will soften any frustration he might have experienced.

Enjoy life and have fun!